Honoring Your Voice

There are other family rules that dishonor that child’s right to speak, such as being told to shut up when you are speaking, being met with irritability or disgust when you are speaking, being told that what you say is a lie, or that you should keep things a secret. Each of these family rules leads with the message that what you have to say is not important. The family rule is a rule because it once was a rule of the adults when they were children, and they are faced with keeping it going to maintain unhealthy homeostasis in their lives.

I struggle, yes, in the present tense, because I currently still struggle, with being heard. I overthink what I want to say or how it will make someone feel if I say what it is I truly want to say. I often get quiet and retreat to keep from saying anything at all. Then there are times I may have a whole conversation in my head and begin to feel irritated and frustrated. The irritation and frustration are often projected onto other people instead of being communicated to the person I want to communicate with or handled within myself. What I was taught as a child, I also do to myself. I take away my own voice. Doing my own work has taught me that I do have a voice and that I do need to honor her, even when it seems tough.

So how does one honor their voice when it was taken away as a child?

There are different ways one can learn to honor their voice. You can go to therapy and work with your therapist to uncover the rules that were in the home that dishonored your voice. You and your therapist will look at the rules and explore hidden messages you have made up about yourself and your voice based on the rules. In this work, the therapist will work with you to help you reclaim your voice and then use it.

How do I use it once I’ve reclaimed it?

Well, there are different ways to reclaim your voice. One way is to challenge yourself to speak up. Even though I may have to play my words over in my head, I then challenge myself to say them in a way that is empowering and not passive. I give honor to my voice and tell her that she is worthy of being heard (affirmation). I listen to what I am needing emotionally and provide that for myself. I go into reparenting the wounded child who was told she couldn’t speak and teach her that she can speak.

Other ways to honor or reclaim your voice include, but are not limited to:

• Writing in a journal: Journal writing is a way to give written words to your thoughts. There may be times that you have thoughts in your head swimming around; however, they need space to be seen and heard. Journal writing provides that space. You can then look at those words and then give voice to the words that need to be verbalized.

• Singing: Singing is a great way to express yourself. You may not sing your thoughts to the person you want to communicate with; however, you may have that favorite song that you can relate to and sing out loud in the shower, in your car, or all over your home unapologetically.

• Statements: Statements are great for verbalizing what you are needing, feeling, experiencing, and believing. My statement keeps it about you and not about the person. Statements are often used to help increase empowerment and the assertion of those beliefs, values, feelings, needs, and experiences.

There are so many ways to reclaim your voice that I honestly couldn’t put them all here. Reclaiming your voice will include acknowledging the rule that took it and doing what you have always wanted to do if your voice was not taken.

So just for today...

Honor your voice.

Honor the words you hear in your head but are afraid to release from your lips.

Honor that little girl you were told to see and not hear.

Honor her and let her be heard. Reclaim the right to your voice.